Trust the Sun

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TRUST the SUN

“You’ve been laying around for three days. It’s time to rise and shine.”

Jimmy had morphed with the couch since Saturday, when his crush announced on social media that she went out with Charlie. To make matters worse, it was Jimmy who gave his best buddy the tickets for their date to the hockey game.

“You don’t get it, Mom.”

“Oh, I’ve had heartbreak.”

“Not like this. He could have told me he was into Jennifer. I thought he liked Emma.”

“You are wasting the rest of your break. It’s a beautiful day. Come on, let’s go out.”

“No, thanks.”

“I’m not asking.”

Begrudgingly, Jimmy pulled himself from his plush appendage, though it took several minutes to finally separate. Standing now, his mother noted her child’s height and chin hair. Now a sophomore in high school, and becoming a man, yet he was very much a boy. She thought back to him toddling around the house with those first steps…

“Mom, I don’t want to go anywhere. Please.”

She saw tears brimming in Jimmy’s eyes and realized he was truly hurting. She couldn’t make things better with ice cream.

“Okay. I hate to see you sad.”

She watched Jimmy climb the stairs, with his mess of curly brown locks hanging low. She realized the extent of his pain had more to do with Charlie’s betrayal than with the girl he’d loved from afar. As a mother, she wanted to help her child, but there was nothing she could do.

There was no way to prepare for the sound of a gunshot.

———————————————————————————————————–

In the emergency room, nurses scrambled. Jimmy’s twin sister had called 911.

The doctor was speaking but she only absorbed some of his words.

“… good news is there was no side-movement and the bullet passed through non-critical parts of the brain… exit wound in his skull… wait and see… damage…”

Jimmy’s head was bandaged and he was hooked to beeping monitors and a machine was breathing for him. Nurses paraded in and out and she met Nancy’s eyes.

“Where did he get a gun?”

“Probably Dad.”

“No, he knows I don’t like guns and never want them in our home.”

“Dad has a gun in the garage and Jimmy knows about it. He asked Dad if he would take him shooting and Dad said he would get him a gun but they wouldn’t tell you.”

“No! He wouldn’t lie to me – I can’t believe this. What about you? Do you have a gun?”

“Mom, calm down. Of course not, it’s guy bonding, that’s all.”

“When will he be here? You talked to him right? You didn’t just message him?”

“Yes, we literally talked. Dad’s still on the road and has to drop off his load in Colorado, then will head home. He’ll take off a couple weeks to be with us. I told you this already.”

“Can’t he fly? Did you tell him it was suicide?”

“Mom, I don’t think Jimmy tried to kill himself. It had to be an accident. Jimmy’s a positive guy.”

“I don’t know, honey. He was very sad about Charlie’s betrayal.”

“What? Charlie taking Jennifer to the game? Seriously?”

“He had to study that night so he gave Charlie those tickets, not knowing he would invite this girl he apparently had a crush on.”

“Oh, my God. Jennifer only went with Charlie to make Jimmy jealous. She’s like, into him, everybody knows that.”

“Are you sure? Why didn’t you tell him?”

“Hey, you can’t be mad at me, Mom. Not for this.”

Nancy’s reserve crumbled.

Afraid to release her son’s hand, she reached across the bed and stroked her daughter’s arm.

“Oh, baby, I’m sorry. I’m not blaming you for anything. I promise. You’re a wonderful help to me. I would have no idea what’s going on at school. Boys don’t talk much.”

They both smiled through tears, knowing the truth of this statement.

“Mom, what if he’s different after this?”

“Different?”

“You know, like a vegetable.”

“We have to be here, let him hear our voices, feel our touch. I’ve heard that even when people are unconscious they are aware of those around them.”

Nancy walked around the bed and laid her head on her mother’s shoulder.

“I’m not strong enough for this, Mom.”

“Oh, this isn’t about strength, honey. This is about love. And you have more than enough.”

They stood together, listening to the machines squawk and Jimmy’s labored breath.

“You stay with him. I’m going to the chapel. I’ll be right back.” Nancy entangled her fingers with her mother’s and Jimmy’s until hers were the only ones holding his hand.

Bustling through the hospital, she remembered coming to the same place to deliver Jimmy. It had been a hard birth, of thirty hours and the epidural had worn off before her baby finally arrived. Seeing the big letters above the doorway “CHAPEL”, she ventured inside and was relieved to find she was alone.

She approached a wooden bench and lowered herself into it, letting her gaze fall upon the stained-glass cross and the candles burning below it. Feeling the horror, desperation consumed her.

“Dear God, please heal Jimmy. You didn’t bring him here to live a short life, I know it. But if you do choose to take my son, this precious gift you gave to me, to us, sixteen years ago, his father will blame himself. Please don’t let him carry that burden. I trust you, Lord. Amen.”

As she made her way back to the ER, a woman passed by and made eye contact and smiled. This was strangely comforting. Then, she passed a father and young girl waiting for the elevators. They were having some sort of dispute.

“But how do you know the sun will come up tomorrow?”

“Because it always does. Every morning the sun rises. You can count on it.”

“But what if it forgets? The whole world would be dark.”

“The sun’s job is to give us light and it can’t forget because it is always there, shining. It’s the world that turns, giving us night, it is not the sun that leaves us.”

She had paused to listen and the man shared a look with her, raising his eyebrows and shaking his head. “You have kids?”

“Two.” she said.

“They need constant reassurance, don’t they? So many questions.”

The little girl was not finished.

“Daddy, is the moon always shining, too?”

“Actually, the moon is not a light source, it reflects the sun, that’s why it looks bright in our night sky.”

“So the sun shines on everything, all the time?”

“Yes, you can count on the sun. Every day, it’s always shining its light for us.”

“So I should trust the sun, like I trust you.”

The elevator dinged and they entered, the young child embracing her father’s legs.

As the doors closed, images of young Jimmy flooded her mind. Somehow she knew everything was going to be okay. This wasn’t an ending because life would go on. Tomorrow the sun would rise, and the day after that, and the day after that. She was hyped. As she made her way to Jimmy’s bedside, she heard herself whispering, “Trust the sun.”